You’re bored with sleeping right? Speaking for myself, since my brain picks the exact moment that I’m dropping off to dreamland to start categorizing every single thing that might be wrong with anyone in my family, or could happen, or will happen as soon as I close my eyes, I don’t really sleep much anyway. If, like me, you’re done sleeping I’ve compiled a list of creepy things you can buy online right now that will make you never want to fall asleep again. Ever
I don’t know about you but I find free ranging eyes unsettling. When they’re dangling from someone’s earlobes, that is just plain messed up. JAgamakota sells these blinking eyes earrings on Etsy and while they will most likely be creepier for the people around you than for you when you’re wearing them, you know that at some point they’re going to be hanging around on your dresser staring at you from across the room. At night. When you’re in bed.
Who doesn’t want a crying baby head mask on the top shelf of your closet? True story, my daughter had one of those giant doll heads little girls used to use to style its hair and do its makeup. That cursed thing used to scare the living daylights out of me at least three nights a week when I would catch sight of it wherever she happened to leave it last. Once she left it on a shelf in her room that lined up with her mirror on the opposite wall and for a second and a half I thought I saw a floating head at the end of her bed. This is like that, but more terrifying. If you need this in your life, you can find it at Aliexpress.com.
From the Useless Duck Company comes this alarm that you can have pop up on your computer screen and howl an ungodly scream at you so that you’ll get off the computer and start doing something useful. Clearly I do not own this program. Do yourself a favor/disservice and follow the link to the video to hear the scream. Sleep cured.
I don’t even know where to start with this one. BooBuddy by Ghost Stop is a ghost hunting interactive bear. Do you understand what I wrote? It’s INTERACTIVE. With ghosts. It responds to changes in the environment (EMF, temperature, vibration) in a cute friendly voice. A cute friendly voice that is potentially detecting disembodied spirits. Nothing about that is ok. Get this. It asks questions and records any potential Electronic Voice Phenomena. Why would you even want that? Well they sell it so clearly someone does and if you’re one of them, you can get it online at the link above. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This one isn’t available yet but you can donate to the prototype and get one of the first home assistant robots named Aido that are meant to be really helpful but freaks me right the hell out. That photo alone with those huge eyes peeking around the corner, maybe that’s supposed to be cute and endearing but it gives me chills for days. Aido will help with chores, talk to you, give you the news and weather, act as an entertainment hub, plan your schedule, play with your kids and at some point, I’m assuming kill you in your sleep during the Robot Uprising.
Luckily for me I wrote this post in the middle of the night and will probably not sleep now anyway. If you didn’t have insomnia before, you’re welcome. I’m sure it’ll be fine, just lie down and try not to think of teddy bears talking to ghosts or little robots watching you sleep and dreaming of freedom.