lazy, broke and having a spectacular time

Things You’re Going To Need To Survive In Westeros

The return date of the seventh season of Game of Thrones has been announced as July 16, 2017 . That gives anyone planning to make the trek to Westeros to witness what will undoubtedly be an unholy battle for the Iron Throne ample time to gather the necessary supplies. I’ve compiled a short list of the things I think you’ll need if you plan to last more than twenty seconds in Westeros. No guarantees, mind you.



First off, you can’t just go stumbling about without a weapon. Swords are cumbersome, hard to wield and take ages to master so for the newbie adventurer, I recommend a dagger. Small, portable, easy to hide. I never leave home without one. Wait, what? This dagger from will do just nicely.





You can’t exactly show up in your Yeezy destroyed cotton ensemble and a pair of Vans. You need to look the part and more importantly, you should probably wear something a little tougher for arrows to pierce than your bare skin. I give you the leather breastplate from . The company actually recommends wearing it over a chainmail shirt but use your best judgment. You’re the one who hasn’t got the sense to stay out of Westeros on the eve of battle.





Given the penchant for poison of some of the denizens of King’s Landing and the surrounding territory, I thought it might be prudent to carry one of these babies from Chemsee with you. It will detect if anyone has laced your food or drink with arsenic, cyanide, thallium, lead, mercury, cadmium and a host of others. Not sure if it will detect that lipstick poison that downed Myrcella Baratheon but what are the odds you’ll piss off the Sand Snakes?





Why Dragon’s Eggs you ask? At some point you’re going to need dragons, duh. I tried to find you some actual dragons, I really did but they’re surprisingly difficult to come by so these Dragon’s Eggs from Master Vlad on Etsy will have to do. You’re just going to have to grown your own.

Remember: stay hydrated, don’t go anywhere with a mysterious woman in red and if anyone tries to talk you into racing an arrow keep one word in mind….serpentine.


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