lazy, broke and having a spectacular time

The Four Basic Questions I Have For Ghosts

I’m not a religious person in any way but I must admit to being fascinated with the paranormal in general and ghosts in particular. I don’t know why, but I’ve always gotten a thrill out of the idea of there being an unseen world around us. Terrifying in practice but tantalizing in theory. I am addicted to all the hokey over produced ghost shows on tv  like Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures, My Haunted House and I eat up the fictional paranormal blog Ghost In The Burbs. Yes I know these are all made for entertainment purposes but I can’t resist a good scare. Especially at night. When my husband is working. And the kids are asleep. And I’m awake all by myself. With a cat who keeps staring at the corner. Sleep is for the weak.

Now I don’t know if I believe in ghosts necessarily, but I do believe people experience things that scare the ever living crap out of them. If ghosts really do exist though, I have to admit I have an awful lot of questions for them.


Why Is It Always So Cold?

Every time a ghost shows up, sure enough the temperature plummets. What’s that all about? Are they sucking up the ambient energy to materialize? Listen, I can’t be paralyzed in fear and cold and needing to pee (because I am always-need-to-pee years old). Pick two, one of them is going to be “need to pee”. If you insist on showing up and scaring the bejeezus out of me, leave the thermostat alone.


What’s With Whispering People’s Names?

We’ve all heard the stories. Someone is sitting around an historic building, probably alone and in the dark when suddenly a disembodied voice starts whispering said someone’s name. “Ophelia…….Opheeeeelia“.  Yeah, screw that bullshit. Who does that? What is the point? And how do they always know our names? I’ve got two kids and a cat and still have to run through all their names before I hit the right one.


If Ghosts Don’t Know They’re Dead, Who Do They Think We Are?

According to my vast knowledge of tv ghostology, there is a theory that some ghosts haven’t moved on because they simply don’t know they’re dead. There are a couple of issues I have with this. Don’t they notice they never have to eat? Or pee? Or that they can’t open a door? And if ghosts are people who don’t know they’re dead, who do they think we are? They’re not a tiny bit curious that no one answers them when they ask a question and complete strangers are now living in their house?


Why Are They So, So Creepy?

If ghosts are merely the non corporeal form of a human, why do they do things no actual normal human would ever, ever do? Seriously, it’s like they’re making a game out of scaring the shit out of us. Listen, if anyone I love is reading this and you (a very long time from now) find yourself on the other side of the veil and want to come back for a visit, please please please show up in the middle of the afternoon in a room full of people with a margarita in your hand and say “Hey, wanted to let you know everything’s fine”.  DO NOT materialize at the end of my bed at three o’clock in the morning staring at me until I wake up. If it’s creepy to do when you’re alive, it’s even creepier when you’re dead.


I’ve got a ton more questions about the whole thing but these are the main questions I would need answered.  Look there’s no reason we can’t all get along and ghosts don’t even have bodies. There’s plenty of room for everyone. Just knock off the weird stuff, ok?







Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *