Ok,ok I realize I’m something of a social pariah for not being able to get through a single episode of The Walking Dead or watch World War Z or indulge in any of the plethora of zombie related books, games, shows or movies prevalent today. For a few months a year I am a woman without a country once a week at my office when all the Walking Dead fans gather over coffee to discuss and dissect and digest every detail of the previous night’s zombie shenanigans. One such conversation spilled into my cube recently and, in the midst of a very passionate discussion on zombie apocalypse survival techniques a co-worker turned to me and asked: “What’s your plan for surviving the zombie apocalypse?”
My answer: “Don’t have one.”
I know what you’re thinking. I don’t have a plan to survive the zombie apocalypse because the zombie apocalypse isn’t real. While a perfectly valid point, oddly enough, that is not the reason. No, I don’t expect there to be an actual zombie apocalypse anytime soon. Or at all. Still I felt I had to say something into the yawning maw of shocked silence that surrounded me so here I give you my reasons for having absolutely zero intentions of surviving for any length of time into the dystopian zombie infested future, should there be one.
Zombies Are Gross
Zombies are not cool and well kept like vampires or powerful and alpha like werewolves or interesting in any way. They’re just a bunch of dummies rotting and slow shuffling their way across the barren landscape in search of whatever it is they’re in search of. I can’t even include photos of zombies with this post; they’re so disgusting I’ll start dry gagging and I don’t do it nearly as cute as Erica Goldberg does. Can you imagine how a zombie must smell? That’s a hard pass on the rotting flesh, thanks.
What Exactly Are We Surviving For?
The general rule of thumb is that if you’re the survivor of some kind of major catastrophe, you survive. It’s what you do. But in the zombie apocalypse, for what purpose am I surviving? There’s no Netflix, no wifi, I’m quite certain I won’t have power for the Kindle or the Keurig. Heck for all I know, Matt Damon might be a zombie and I do not want to live in a world where Matt Damon is a zombie. Do you?
Let me be clear, if this is an alien invasion, I’m going down swinging. First, there’s always the chance you can beat the aliens and get your Hulu account reactivated. As far as I can tell from the movies, we ought to be able to take out the alien invasion force before the refrigeration gives out entirely and we have to start farming our own food. Second, traveling to other planets and invading them is rude. For that reason alone I’m joining the resistance.
Zombies are a whole other kettle of fish. Zombies aren’t going anywhere, except out to make more zombies. When the zombies take over that’s how it’s always going to be forever. It will never be anything but fighting off zombies. There is no end game besides being the last one to be eaten by zombies. All the fun stuff like malls and wine and the Super Bowl are never coming back.
It Seems Like More Work Than It’s Worth
Look, I’ve got my hands full as it is holding down a job, getting my kids to brush their teeth and plopping food in a cat dish a couple times a day. I do not need to be figuring out how to bake bread on a rock while dodging zombies. I would be the most irritated zombie apocalypse survivor ever and given my utter lack of survival skills and penchant for snark, I assume it’s a matter of mere days before the survivor crowd decides I’m not worth the additional resources in any case. (Side note: I have already promised my share of resources to my co-worker Eric so if you want them you have to fight him but he’s a strong young farmer with a black belt in tae kwon do so best of luck with that.)
Soooo Much Walking
Man, those zombies can walk. And walk and walk and walk. Which means if I’m going to avoid them, then I have to walk. And Lazy Old Mom does not like walking, obvi. Yeah sure, zombies are slow and stupid and make a ton of noise. It can’t be nearly as hard to avoid them as Hollywood makes it seem. You hear it crashing through the trees or your neighbor’s yard and you power walk a few yards in the opposite direction. You find one in your driveway, you throw a head fake on that moron and go about your day. Still, it seems exhausting. (Fun fact: an informal poll at my office revealed that all of the men and every woman under the age of 40 would fight to survive in the zombie apocalypse. Not one woman over forty was interested in post- zombie apocalyptic survival. Make of that what you will.)
There is one caveat under which I will make some effort to survive the zombie apocalypse and that is if my kids survive. Being a responsible parent, I will stick around long enough to protect and take care of my kids until they reach adulthood. Being a parent of Italian descent and a refugee of Catholic school, I will never let them forget it for a second.
“Eat your rock soup, I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you!” “You don’t want to haul water from the river? Well guess what? I don’t want to be alive during the zombie apocalypse. I guess neither of us gets what we want!”
See? The picture isn’t pretty people. I am no Daryl Dixon. I guarantee you it’s best for everyone if I throw the towel in early.