I love Facebook and I love my friends and for the most part I love using Facebook to connect with my friends. Right up until I see one of the following types of status updates (and if you’re guilty of posting any of these, you know who you are).
The Cryptic Status: aka Vaguebooking
FRIEND: “Oh you really don’t get it? You really want to play it like that? Some day maybe you’ll have regrets.”
ME: “What’s going on? 🙁 Hope everything’s OK”
FRIEND: “I can’t really get into it on Facebook, it’s some really private, painful stuff.”
OOOOKAAAAYYY. Little tip: If you can’t get into it on Facebook, don’t get into it on Facebook.
The It-Looks-Like-I’m-Talking-About-A-Flaw-I-Have-But-It’s-Really-Bragging Status aka Humblebragging
FRIEND: “I really have to learn not to be so hard on myself, I can’t be perfect all the time. I guess I just can’t help doing for others, it’s in my nature to be kind.”
EVERYONE ELSE: “Oh no, you’re so good, you need to learn to take care of yourself and not be such a wonderful giver!”
ME: **rolling eyes***
Here’s the deal. If you really are so kind that you can’t help helping others always, everyone else will be talking about it and you won’t have to make a point of telling everyone about it. If you just want the praise and ego-boosting that goes along with helping others (being smart, being pretty, etc) and want to make sure everyone tells you how wonderful, kind, smart, pretty you are you post a Facebook status about it.
The My-Life-and-Family-Are-So-Perfect-And-I’m-Going-To-Make-Sure-I-Tell-You-Forty-Times-A-Day Status aka Just Regular Bragging
FRIEND: “Can’t believe my son’s coach told him he’s the best Under Six player he’s ever seen. First my daughter’s music teacher tells me she’s going to be star and now this! I’m so glad my children choose excellence every time!”
Now I know we all use Facebook to brag about our kids a little bit and tell funny stories about our lives but this particular friend posts every status like this and I know her family. They’re great, but they’re great the way most of our families are. Everybody’s kids talk back once in a while or mess up the living room. No matter how wonderful your marriage is, you annoy each other now and again and sometimes your adorable puppy throws up in your shoe. It’s ok to brag every so often but mix it up a little. Talk about the funny times too or the time you locked yourself out of your house in your bathrobe with cupcakes in the oven and your cell phone on the table and had to ask your twenty year old male neighbor to borrow his phone (OK that one happened to me). You don’t have to make your life seem perfect to us. We’re your friends.
The If-You-Don’t-Repost-This Threatening Status
FRIEND “99% of you won’t repost this, but I think I know which of my friends will. If you hate cancer/love God/love your country/are my true friend, like and share this status. If not, I will know you don’t really (pick one of the above options and enter here)”
Liking and sharing your status has no bearing on how much I love my friends, my family, my God or my country and I’m pretty sure no one EVER, EVER, EVER was denied cancer treatment because I didn’t share your Facebook post!!!! Phew! Wow. That felt good. OK, now that we’ve covered all that, I have to go update my Facebook status.